Dying is a lonely bizness. (See, I spelled business differently so I could be original!)

I guess I consider myself a humanist/athesit/I wish death wasn't the end-ist. Lemme explain. No no, it's too much. Let me sum up.

Growing up (indoctrinated) into Lutheranism I had a strong belief in God. Fast forward to post high school years and I started to question things. I got into paganism really strongly for a long time and I liked it here. Non judgey, free spirited and all inclusive. A very cool philosophy. Fast forward a few years into this paganism morphing into simple spirituality and we've reached the point in my life where I've felt most comfortable with my spiritual beliefs.

I didn't believe in a God - but I did believe there was a tie that binds. A thread that connects every living thing. This thread was not an evil thread, nor was it a good thread as threads cannot be good or evil. It was just there constantly connecting us all. When we died we would achieve some other kind of awareness and who we are in the center - the rich creamy hazelnut center of us all - would live on forever because energy cannot be destroyed, it can only change form.

This belief was superior to my previous beliefs because it was truly all inclusive. There was nothing to sell or fear or try to prove yourself to. It was just a quiet knowing that we continue.
But somewhere along the line I lost this belief. Was it directly related to my husbands interests? Sure. But he was not the first atheist I encountered. I've known plenty of them and loved plenty of them too. I was, of course, interested in knowing more about what he believed..or didn't believe...and it was this knowing that forced me to drop the spiritual talk.

It's like finding out santa doesn't exist. Once you know it you can't pretend like you don't. And while I feel like my most satisfying previous view of life and death made me happy, I understand that it has not and cannot be proven. Or disproven. But it is very unlikely to be true.

I want to be happy about it. It is rare for a person to see facts and drop what he wants to be true for what he knows is. I can do that and for that I am proud of myself. The thing is I'm not happy about this death thing. I'm pretty mad about it, actually. But let me tell you why.

I feel like more. That's why. I feel like more than this limited time I have on earth and how is it fair, for even one moment, that I should raise a child and love a husband and have friends that mean so much to me and care for my parents and one day I lose it all? If only God existed so that I could be mad at him. And I won't lost it in big chunks, it will slowly fall away. Or I will.

I feel like I am made of magic, at times. Like the way the Fall breeze blows through my hair and thrills me or the feeling I get when I smell incense is so impossibly important and intricate that it can't be mere evolution. It must be ME. A deep and soulful me who not only lives but feels. The idea that that can end - that it will - is painful.

But I can't get away from the truth. I see what science has to offer and understand this to be the most logical answer, one that I would like to be okay with before I die. This is growth on a new level only I'm not branching off into some other wacky belief system. I'm finally growing UP. And I like it. I like what it has to say, I dig it. I just don't like this death stuff.